I Wanna Be Like Jenny When I Grow Up…

jenny2-copy.jpgJenny is my seven year old part who I suspect has more smarts and personality than all the rest of us put together.  She’s been pushing me for at least six months to come clean about my DID to family & friends, but I don’t know if all of my inside people are ready for that.

I need to look at this possibility from a logical point of view. What would be the benefits to myself if I were to come out of the closet about my disorder?

  • I could experience (for the first time in over four decades) what it feels like to be my authentic self on a daily basis.

  • Maybe, just maybe, not all of my fatigue is due to my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

    There’s a chance that equally as fatiguing as my physical disorder is the tremendous effort it takes to hide my DID from those around me. To fake it, knowing what a fraud I am day after day, is a task so herculean that I am just beginning to perceive the dimensions of my self-imposed (selves-imposed?) vow of silence.

  • People will no doubt still exchange funny looks when one of my parts says or does something off-the-wall….but if they know I have DID, at least they’ll be aware of the reason for my being so different. Which is another way of saying that I’ll still act like an idjit, but those closest will know why.

So those are some of the pros I’ve come up with for telling the truth about myself. Here are some of the cons:

  • My family & friends will look at me differently. Every time I do or say something the least bit off they’ll wonder, if not say out loud, “Who said that?” I don’t always know the answer to that myself and even if I did, does it matter who said what? I read a quote about DID on a website recently that went something like, “You’re all part of the same quilt.” Oh, I like that. No matter who surfaces it’s all me.

  • Once those close to me are told the truth, they can’t ever regress to a state of not knowing. Their knowledge of my disorder (a word I have come to loathe, but we’ll get into that later) is something that will always be there between us. I can’t help but wonder if it will change the dynamics of these relationships. How could such a revelation not cause a shift in the very foundation of the bonds I’ve formed? After all, these are people who have known me all their lives and yet they never knew one of the most important things about who I am.

  • I will get teased. Believe me, in my family I will get teased. And while I see the humor in DID (and make jokes about it myself to the couple of individuals who know about me), my parts are sensitive. See, they don’t think of themselves as being odd, or a disorder. So the more I get razzed about them, the more I’m going to have to nurture their hurt feelings–and quite frankly I don’t want to do any more nurturing of them than I am already doing on a regular basis.

For now, I’m weary of the whole subject. I need to decide what to do, yes, but I don’t need to decide right this minute. I’m going to cut myself some slack and not force anything before its time.

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