The 4th is just around the corner, and it’s got me thinking, Hmmm, Independence Day—should I or shouldn’t I? Of course what I’m referring to is whether or not to “come out” to the rest of my household. I don’t know how other mutiples handle this decision. Seems to me that mountains should topple into the sea, or the earth stand still should I lift my system’s ban on telling yet again! Some of them, oh let’s be honest here, none of them have been able to speak truth for over 4 decades! That’s way too long to keep playing this tired version of hide ‘n seek. Sure, I’ve told a few individuals, and most recently my cousin–but I’m talking about…oh dare I even spell it out? I’m talking about speaking my truth to everyone closest to me, not just a chosen few. What would that feel like? To not have to monitor every thought before I open my big mouth, because I’ve gotta take a few seconds to remember who knows and who doesn’t! To not have to keep to myself some minor victory I need to share with an outside person but can’t, because the few that know about my DID are not available, and the ones who are available don’t know ’cause around them I’m still playing that old What’s My Line? game from my childhood era…
And right now all my insiders are agitated because it’s the weekend once more, and there’s something unsettling about the weekend. I have a nagging suspicion what that’s about but don’t care to get into it right now, with them or anyone. I can only deal with so much on any given day. Like, I know for instance that Mrs. Homebody is beside herself with stress, and trying to be caretaker to all of us, and I know that Vava is sad, and worried about her. I know so much I haven’t even the strength to ponder, let alone write about. But I also have outside stuff too. Earlier I left the house to pay my car insurance, taking my cousin with me, and that was a bit strange. There’s been a bit of a sense of restraint between us since I told him about “us”, and that old easy laughter felt strained, and forced. I don’t think he’s at all upset in learning about my DID, I think it’s more that…well, I don’t know, I’m fishing here, but maybe the usual switching I do around him isn’t as necessary now, so my funnier more carefree parts are off tending to something else. And poor guy, he’s left with the ones who get things done and don’t have much of a sense of humor.
Without the benefit of a therapist to gently guide me through these stages of my journey towards whatever it is I’m aiming for (not integration, that’s for sure, maybe just the freedom to live in this world as the multiple that I am), things can get confusing really quick. With a therapist I could ask questions, maybe get some of them answered, or receive some wise suggestions about where to go from here–I know this is true, because last year I was in therapy, and my therapist was a wonderful, soft-spoken woman who I yearned to spill my heart and guts to. Well, long story short, my insurance didn’t cover it and so I had to pay cash, and could only afford a once a month appointment. You wouldn’t think that’d be much help, but it sure was better than nothing. Anyway, guess I’m feeling a bit wistful today. I know how hard it is to live in a mono-brained world as a multiple, even if you’re fortuante enough to have the benefit of ongoing therapy; trudging along on your own is so wearisome—but I don’t give in to total despair. I know I have strong parts, and some of them have an iron will. They can help support the weaker ones, and carry the little ones when need be.
So, to get back to my original thought: should I or shouldn’t I? Well, stay tuned, I have no idea what a few days might bring!