And just like that I’m blogging again.
Recently I was telling a friend that I often feel emotions that are unconnected with anything going on in my life. Sometimes a tsunami of despair plunges me into such a vast darkness that I don’t expect to ever see the light of day again. Or a sorrow so deep it causes me to instantly begin weeping though I don’t know what the tears are for. He suggested that my parts may be stuck back in my childhood home where no child was safe. Though I was diagnosed with DID over ten years ago I’ve never really gotten to know my system very well. I haven’t wanted to. I haven’t wanted to invest in the time and effort and pain I knew this would involve, and what would be required of me, so I shut myself off from my parts as best I could, hoping by doing so they would disappear or at least not bother me.
My friend’s words hit me hard. They rattled me. Instantly my thoughts flew back to that suburban home where I was accosted by my stepfather every time I turned around, and left to flounder by a mother who didn’t want to admit what she knew. And everything within me recoiled at the thought that my parts were living in perpetual fear, cringing at every sound, waiting always for the other shoe to drop and being afraid to even whisper for fear the stepfather would notice them and the cycle of abuse would begin all over again.
I’ve hoped to slink through the rest of my life not dealing with any of this because, quite frankly, I’m weary of it. But now it’s time. Time to become acquainted with my unique selves and learn to value and nurture them. I can’t understand let alone explain why I’m ready now when I so clearly wasn’t before, I just know I am.
Already I feel stronger and more authentic just by making this one decision.
PS Dear Readers:
Please be patient with me as I slog through over ten years of blogging (here and on my other Beautiful Dreamer website) in an attempt to merge my websites into one home for my DID writings.
While in the process of transferring so many blog posts things will be out of order for a while. The posts won’t appear in the right chronological order, that’s something I’ll have to whip into shape once I get everything moved.